A Deadly Freedom

Against Those Who Have no Choice   

Being born from a poor family and raised in a poor neighborhood, I saw the burden and predicament of a married man who is supporting a family; that is why, even when I was still a young boy, I had already decided that I will not marry, I will not bind myself on a knot of family life. But love (or lust) is a very strong emotion. That is why, although I only wanted to play around, it nevertheless caught me. And one morning, I woke up in bed startled by the realization that I am with a woman who is pregnant with my child; and I am a married man. 

My new status was not in my plan. I was young, ignorant, and stupid; I did not foresee pregnancy, as one of the consequences of my lusty action. At first, I was so reluctant to make a decision; face to face with the thing I was most afraid of, a great responsibility, which for me is a hellish bind.  But I have no choice. I was not able to bear the weight of her tears when she told me that in her womb was my child, and she needs me. Somehow I cared for her and I was man enough to accept the burden and reaction of my action. I took the responsibility; I faced my fear; I accepted the role of a family man. 

My situation almost suddenly had changed. Being very much afraid of a family life, I tried to stay away from all my vices. I know that where I am was a different ballgame. I have a wife, and I am a would be father. A great responsibility was upon my shoulder and there is no time and room for nonsense and foolishness. I turn to God and ask Him to help me with my new life, in exchange for being good. Moreover, I learned to go home and go to bed early with my wife and with hope that everything will be alright, that everything will be just fine. And although my future is uncertain, I have no complain; I sleep peacefully at night with my wife and my child by my side. 

Greed knows no love

But one day, the woman whom I shared my bed with woke me up in the middle of the night. And when I was awaken,  I noticed that she was in pain and she was holding her abdomen. My concern for her and the baby in her womb prompted me to bring her to the hospital. But I was surprised when she refused to go, but instead, and while in pain, told me that she took an abortive pill. That is why instead of bringing her to the hospital, I should bring her to that abortionist who gave her that pill. I don't remember if she did told me that the pain is the effect of that abortive pill, that she is going to deliver a baby who most probably is already dead in her womb, and that we must be in a hurry for even her life is in danger...


What I can't forget is the moment when I realized and understand what she had done, my whole body trembled. I could not speak nor cry, I could not think of anything. I do not know what to do. I was devastated and paralyzed; my whole being was engulfed by deep sorrow. Even until now I can't totally explain in words what I felt during that dreadful night. All I know is that I have never been so lost and so helpless; of all my pains, it is the one that lingers most; of all my unanswered questions, although against my nature, the one which I chose to forget; the one that I allowed to remain unanswered. 

I made my choice; and for that choice, I had given up my freedom. Sadly, one of the reasons for my choice had chosen her own freedom without considering my choice and my own freedom; and the choice of the one who is the reason why I gave up my freedom. Had she forgotten that there were already three of us; and we are living together because of that third person that we both know exist. And I certainly believe that for her, for my helpless daughter in the womb of her mother, dying was not an option nor a choice.  -by Anonymous Pain




NOTE: My story does not end there; and my predicament and dilemma was not yet over, because I still have to bring her to the killer of my child. And probably I was destined to suffer; because, as if my pain and the wages of my sins were not enough, just before the sunset of that new day my hands were tainted with her blood. (To be continued).